Confessions of a Perfect Husband Part 3

By Hugh O’Neill

10 simple secrets that will keep her—and you—happy

8. Notice the Coffee Cup

The perfect husband understands that women often get confused by stuff that doesn’t matter, as in the unwashed coffee cup that’s been sitting in the sink for days. Few wives understand that it isn’t that we see the coffee cup and elect not to rinse it, but rather that the neural link between our eyeballs and brains actually keeps us from seeing the cup. The gender biology of why we don’t see the cup comes down to this: We have a lot of more important things on our minds. Will the Bills cover? Any chance of sex today? I think my biceps really are getting bigger. Our minds are cauldrons of profound thoughts. Any wonder we occasionally overlook some stray dishware?

Charge: We don’t help enough around the house. We’re guilty. But here’s the fix: Do more. Not a lot more—just a little more. One of the best things about women is that they really appreciate the smallest sign that you’re trying. They’re effort oriented.

Try walking into a room with a woman’s mind. Imagine that your brain has space in it for trivialities like unwashed cups. Ask yourself, If I were a psycho neat freak, what would bother me in here? The coffee cup—which sometimes takes the form of the kids’ sneakers under the table or the metro section crumpled on the couch—will suddenly reveal itself to you.

9. Don’t Fix Her

People rarely change unless they feel accepted as they are. Once folks feel they’re not required to change, growth happens.

10. Play To Win

You know the athletic wisdom that warns against playing not to lose, that argues you have to be loose to let your skills flow and maximize your game? Same goes for marriage.

Oh, sure, you can have a perfectly fine little partnership by taking the cautious route. He & She Inc. may even hum along nicely if you companionably sidestep the briar patches. But that’s no way to be a great husband. She’s entitled to more, the full monty, the whole experience of being affiliated with, no, make that loved by, a man.

People often settle for accommodating coupledom because they’re afraid some explosive issues will blow up the marriage. They fear ending their days alone, living under the bridge behind the high school.

Set yourself free to play bravely by taking the big risk, divorce, off the table. Decide that you meant what you said at the wedding, that this woman, come what may, is your partner for life.

Older couples often report that once they’ve gone past the point where they might leave each other, their partnership gets an invigorating second wind. No longer afraid of being alone, they talk things through.

In pursuit of something richer than mere amity, they explore regrets, grievances. Sure, it can be difficult, but it’s full and human and adrenal and—hallelujah!—not dull. And it can lead to a more spacious marriage, a connection that is full hearted and well tempered instead of taped together.